It's Late. 1:48am. Which I guess is early.

When you really think about it.
I think this will be long and weird.

I have told a few people lately
and some people from before now
already knew this or some part of it.

I have holocaust-type dreams.
That's the only way I can categorize them.
I read Eli Weisel's Night in college
and it's like the rounding up for the ghettos.
And maybe it comes from the memory of that book.
Or maybe it comes from hearing the stories
of my college friends from Kosovo
who were forced from their homes
and had to run or made it to refugee camps.
Maybe from all those books I read as a kid
about Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad.
Or maybe just from my overwhelming desire
to help.

Here's how it goes:
There are bad guys coming to get us --
an "us" that includes me and some group
definitely with children.
And I have to direct, lead, help
people to hide.
I am not usually personally at danger
except for the aiding of those who are.
And I never get it right.

So I already knew I wanted to save the world.
I've been having these dreams for years
since college for sure.
But I knew when I was little that I would do something
some job that would help people
have better lives.
And I did for a while in Tallahassee --
at least I tried.
I helped people find jobs and homes
and get their kids in school
and set goals for the first time.
But I had no training.

So now I'm in school
and I'm learning about
theology and church history and connections between faith and health
and I go to Contextual Education for 4 hours a week
and it is cool and all
but I don't feel like I really do anything.
Most of the time I am okay with it
because I know this is a time of preparation
a time to be still and learn and grow
to get ready for when I can do that stuff I want to do again.

But every so often
I feel restless and tired of reading.
Because despite my english degree
I do not love reading the stuff we have to read
and it is really hard to make myself do it.
I would much rather be at some agency
talking to someone about who they are and what they want to do
and trying to help them figure out how that can happen.

Many of my friends here are very academic
and I just never was.
I have said before
and it is still true that
I like the academic/school environment
and I like going to class
discussing issues
learning and gaining new perspective
but I don't really like being a student.

One day, I think I'll be
the old lady who audits random courses
at the local university.
I'll probably also be the old lady
who wears bright colors
and funny glasses
and talks a little too loud
and likes to take people to lunch.

That is,
after we save the world.